A Complex Year

As the end of 2023 draws near I am doing some reflecting. This year has been messy and complex, if not chaotic. My partner of 42 years died in April this year. I always thought ( and should have known better) that the grief process was a staged process. Not so. It is messy . It is complex. It raises all sorts of stuff that makes you question things. For starters my identity. How do I now describe myself? How do I say “I” instead of “We” after so long. What do I want my life to look like from now on? I now do things for me not for us…a whole different perspective. I have gradually started to do some of these things and think “Well this is for me. I have created it. It is what I wanted” Some of it feels good as it reinforces who I am and that is am emergent prospect. Some of it doesn’t. Talk about safe to fail probes…they are all over the place. Rituals have changed. like the ritual for Christmas. ( not that Christmas was a big deal for either Peter or I, but there were still rituals) What do I want it to look like from now on and how can I make this happen? So many questions and very few answers. All of it is an emergent prospect. So through life experience I am truly learning about complexity and emergence. Vale Peter. You are irreplaceable. I am now needing to learn to live with loss.

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